Tears rolled down when i am writing this entry. I wonder what life has been for me. I really wonder? Who am I? I want to know what is my identity, and why I am living a life like that. Coping with him, coping with studies and coping with the girl.

Going to school now is no longer just going to school for knowledge, for me it might be another case. Beside going to school, I still have to take good care of Chai Yoke. She is nice girl, however she is very emotionally unstable. Once a week, she will tend to break down. This thursday when she broke down during the IRP period, I had to chase after her. Her visual is blurred and even not even clear. She is not a burden to me, but my emotion and mental just get disturbed. I suddenly felt so stress, real stress. I really cannot take it anymore. I seriously wish she just stop hurting herself. You know how it feels when you saw someone breaking down and start doing silly thing that you can never imagine? Cutting wrist, scratching her hand with anything is sharp? Has anyone experience it? NOBODY? I am really emotionally blocked. And I really cried during General Paper with no one noticed it. Is really disturbing for me to see her doing such thing. I just wish she can quit school, so she will not feel so stressed up. I am not her, I do not understand her illness, her anxiety and her way of thinkings. All I can do, is just to lend her shoulder and controlled her from doing stupid things.

Speaking about Eugene. I think I have to say sorry. I did not meant to hurt you. I am really occupied with workloads. A lot. One year and six months relationship? How strong is it? How happy is it? I never knows. When you need me, I was never there for you, vice versa. Time has changed both of us. We can never go back to the past. I have not been really happy recently. Even you might be laughing that moments, but when times past, will you still remember the joke? No one did. People somehow tend to have a better memory space for unhappy things. Somehow, I got really pain. I want to let go you, but on the other side, I do not wish for it. I really do not know. Really. We are no longer kids, yet we cannot make the decision. I know you want to change for the better for me. But what about me? What am I suppose to do? HOW? I really do not know. Something I have to admit is that recently I really did not considered or concerned how you felt. This whole week I had chatted less than 1 hour with you. I know you are dissappointed, BUT I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO? Do you understand my situation, I need a direction! Not comments. I really need direction. I felt so tired dragging things. I am at the top of tolerance. If I really cannot take it, I will not want you and studies. I will just go out and work and be a singled. No one understands, because there is no one same as I do, have the same character, same mindset and same situation. I am breaking down, battery running flat. Stop pushing things and blames to me. I have enough! This few days I have always been crying in my bed, thinking and reflecting everythings that we done. My hearts do hurt! Though I have been emotionless recently. And it hurts to hear you hurting yourself. I really do not who I am, what am I doing?